In Plain Engel-ish

My grandpa Zivien loved to tell this joke: An elderly Jewish man is hit by a car and lies bleeding on the street. A paramedic attends to him, keeping him as relaxed as possible, and asks “Are you comfortable?” The man groans and replies: “Meh, I make a living.” We Jews especially appreciate this joke, which plays on the definition of the word “comfortable.” In Jewish culture, it’s considered really bad form to brag about how wealthy you are, so “I’m comfortable” has become a euphemism to let others know that you’re doing just fine financially. Through the ages, the...

I am awaiting my luggage in baggage claim at London Heathrow Airport. On this first day of our Dickens Destinations trip, twenty-five other tour members are with me, doing the same thing. They’ve all retrieved their bags; only the last one — mine — has not come. And it never does. How could I have been SO stupid as to put my notes for all my six Dickens lectures in that bag? And I am set to give the first in about five hours. I am doomed. I remember that dreadful feeling as if it were yesterday. Actually, it occurred...

Silly Me Ah, the joy of Unintended Results. Had the Japanese not conquered Thailand and Indonesia during World War II, I wouldn’t have ended up with my favorite childhood toy.  Those two countries had previously supplied the U.S. with 90% of its natural rubber from their plantations. Once we declared war on Japan, our rubber supply, crucial for the production of automobile tires, was cut off.  We began producing synthetic rubber to solve the problem, but it was very expensive: it turns out that the severe gas rationing during that time had nothing to do with any gas shortage. It...

Living in a Jewish household, with no Santa ever sliding down the chimney, our one magical home invasion did not involve presents under a tree but cash under a pillow. And the Tooth Fairy had a distinct advantage in making me feel special. No Christmas gifts showering the whole family indiscriminately. No, sir, that Fairy made a beeline to my bedroom, my pillow alone, rewarding me for being a Big Boy in the face of a harrowing dental amputation. The magic of the experience might be dampened today with the availability of the Delta Dental Tooth Fairy Poll website, which...

Oh, those poor Germans: not the country, not the people, but the language. To other Europeans and to those of us speaking English all over the world, German sounds as airy and charming as muddy boots on the porch. Holy Roman Emperor Charles V coined it best. In the 1500s, when he ruled over most of Western Europe, he needed to be tetralingual. I could have written “quadrilingual” but that doesn’t sound any less pretentious. When asked how he kept all four languages straight in his mind, he famously replied: “I speak Spanish to my God, Italian to women I...