England’s first king was a man named Aethelstan, who took the throne in the year 925. His line ended with him (with a name like that, is it any wonder there was never an Athelstan the Second?), but as of this year, there’s always been a king or queen on the English throne for exactly the last 1,100 years. With one exception.
When the Parliamentarians won the English Civil War against Charles The First and beheaded him in 1649, England became a republic, and Puritan Oliver Cromwell was named Lord Protectorate. Eleven years later, the English begged Charles’ son, Charles the Second, to return from exile in France and rule them. Leave it to the English to chop off one monarch’s head but soon beg his son to rule over them less than a dozen years later.
The Brits ultimately rejected Cromwell due to his cold Puritanism. He even tried to cancel Christmas; I mean how grinchy can you get? He was famous for his no-nonsense approach to human vanities. When his portrait was commissioned by Parliament, he instructed the artist to “Paint me exactly as I am—warts and all.”
Well, good on you, Oliver. We needn’t be Puritan to want to be seen physically for who we really are, even with minor imperfections and slight flaws.This makes us real. Contrast that to today, when it seems as if we are living in the worst “No Warts At All” age in history.
Who of us doesn’t love the fact that our cellphones can take better pictures of us than ever before? But who of us has not discarded countless photos in order to capture ourselves in the perfect light, from the perfect angle, and at the perfect distance to disguise or blur anything about us we might find in the least bit “warty”?
Add to that minor vanity the creation of Ozempic, Botox, facelifts, even fish pedicures. And we’re not honest enough to use the accurate term “cosmetic surgery” any more; instead, everyone just seems to look eerily “refreshed.”
It isn’t just the modern age that has had a prejudice against ugliness. Take the lowly, ugly frog. For thousands of years, people have disliked its slimy looks, especially little girls. Folklorists tell us this is why the slanderous myth arose that touching them gave people warts. Hey—I’ve gotten us back to Oliver Cromwell! Don’t you just love how I do that?
Folklorists also tell us that fairy tales are ground zero for understanding our childhood prejudices and for suggesting the best ways to deal with them. With the Grimm Brothers being the most famous fairy-tale folklorists of all, let’s glance at one of their stories. Which one? How about the first one, from their first volume published in 1812, entitled — surprise! — “The Frog Prince.”
Perhaps because it was their first tale, it became justly famous for introducing us to that bizarre incident where the princess kisses the frog and turns him into a suitable royal husband. The notion of frogs causing warts predates this tale by centuries. Could this story be subtly teaching little girls that not only was handling the disgusting amphibians they feared not dangerous, but in fact, actual physical contact with them — even on the lips! — could have amazing results. As with all irrational fears, facing and even embracing them can often banish them forever.
Such wisdom has never been more needed. In our Botoxed country today, with so many of us finding groups who see things differently than we do as plagues of frogs, the kiss of kindness has never been more needed. Too many Americans are so interested in making themselves superficially beautiful that they fail to see the beauty within their fellow countrymen.
I can’t end without sharing with you an amazing fact: frogs swallow with their eyes. They pull their eyeballs down onto the roof of their mouths to help push food down their throats.
I’m not positive this is true, but that’s what I’ve been toad.
Email Elliot at huffam@me.com or click here